you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
