I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Randomize
