I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Randomize
