Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
