Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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