My sheets look like a crime scene.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
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