Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Randomize
