I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Randomize
