Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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