Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Randomize
