I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
