I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
