need another drink. this is the easiest way
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
