My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
