my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
