hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
