so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I am mentally ready for anal.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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