I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Randomize
