Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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