I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Girls should come with a carfax report
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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