you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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