9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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