What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
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