My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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