Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
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