I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
