OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
