Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
