btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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