I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
