I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
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