From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
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