Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
