I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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