weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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