I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
