I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
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