I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
