I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
did i just pee glitter
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
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