life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
