It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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