I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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