My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
