I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
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