My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
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