Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
