I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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