just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
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