I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Randomize
