I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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