Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
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