they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
