the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
