tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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