I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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