bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
be right there i have to get my cape
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
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